The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, [aries] Jesus man.

Day after day, love turns grey
Like the skin of a dying man.
Night after night, we pretend its all right
But I have grown older and
You have grown colder and
Nothing is very much fun any more.
And I can feel one of my turns coming on.
I feel cold as a razor blade,
Tight as a tourniquet,
Dry as a funeral drum.



When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown,
The dream is gone.




So ya
Thought ya
Might like to
Go to the show.
To feel that warm thrill of confusion,
That space cadet glow.
I've got some bad news for you sunshine,
Pink isn't well, he stayed back at the hotel
And they sent us along as a surrogate band
We're gonna find out where you fans really stand.




All alone, or in two's,
The ones who really love you
Walk up and down outside the wall.
Some hand in hand
And some gathered together in bands.
The bleeding hearts and artists
Make their stand.

And when they've given you their all
Some stagger and fall, after all it's not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall.

gentle (and not so gentle) readers

I apologize for the influx of disgusting comments on this blog. As much as I hate to delete comments and I don't usually do so, I would have deleted that one really bad one if I'd caught it before it got quoted here and there.

Two things. First thing: Yes to anyone who wants to quote anything I say anywhere else. Please do. I know that the guys in MCR aren't blind to what their fans are thinking, and I think it's right to know about our concerns regarding things like them embracing (and flaunting) a band with lyrics the likes of which Gerard has railed against for years, about how Gerard has been acting with out of character diva fits, acting all "DON'T YOU WANT TO GET WITH ME" and throwing his own vomit onto his fans in the audience, (none of those have to do with the band's anti-homophobia message and past stage antics, as has been suggested), and about how things are changing with them in general. If it reaches them, so much the better. So feel free to quote anything I say anywhere. And if you agree with the second post of mine, with all the MSI lyrics vs. the things that Gerard has sermonized about for so long, quote that anywhere you want, too.

Second thing: Also, the crazies are accusing me of saying certain things and then deleting or editing them. The only time I edit anything I say is if I need to fix a careless spelling mistake or something, or to add something I might have forgotten. I don't regret anything I've said.

"I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone."

A few thoughts on Gerard that sort of correlate with my second post and people who are empty, and who are easily led. Does it ever seem to anyone else like Gerard isn't really the leader he seems to be? (Well I mean aside from the obvious, the recent dumping of the "morals" and "responsibility" he always sermonized about onstage in order to take a hate-spewing band on tour with them and expose them to their young fans... the same ones he used to try to protect. Aside from that.)

What I mean is how often he seems to change his mind based on what other people are saying or doing. First of all he seems to change his mind about huge life decisions at the drop of a hat. Leave his girlfriend of 6 years over the phone for no obvious reason while she was already ill, a few months later hook up with the next girl that was in the vicinity. (Seems like all you have to do to get engaged or married to Gerard Way is be around him a few times.) The rumors then were that she asked him to get married. But Gerard wanted to get married, he said so in a few interviews. He makes a big deal out of his age all the time. (Even when he was doing older interviews. Look at the one with Bert. "I'm 27 so I'm pretty old." And the "what turns you on" interview. "Well, I'm not that young anymore, so...." He's hung up on his age in the biggest way to begin with.) I can't even count how many times he's said that he was old, or too old, or felt like he should be doing some such thing by a certain age.

Then recently he said he wanted to drop "I'm Not Okay" from their setlist because he felt like he had outgrown it and he wanted "peace and quiet" these days. O-kayyy... They ended up not dropping it after all which is good, but I wonder what made him make that decision. Could be be that he started acting like he was 12 again? Could it be that he's still "not okay"?

Then an anonymous letter, or really a few of them, come along calling out Eliza for being a bitch and for using him. The next thing you know, his engagement is off. It looked like he actually took the ring off between songs during a concert. (By all accounts it was on for the first half of the concert and gone for the last half, leading to speculation that maybe it had somehow slipped off his finger during the show.) A very sudden decision, very quickly after someone "told" him that Eliza was wrong for him.

Next thing you know, Gerard is looking for a place to settle down and he decides on Portland because he says he loves it there. In the past he's made a big deal out of saying that he didn't want to be one of those people who died in the same place they were born, that's what "Kill All Your Friends" was about. He wanted, he needed to get out of New Jersey to truly begin his life. One definitely got the feeling that he did NOT want to stay there for many different reasons. He was out of that state, he said he felt no ties to it. He moved his stuff out of his parent's house and then his parents up and sold the house.

A month later, "SO IN LOVE" with the next girl in his vicinity. A few weeks after his announcement that he was "in love" they're married. And now? Now it's all great to just stay in New Jersey, because that's where she lives.

All of a sudden, the things he's been so passionate about, they change, too. He no longer cares about sending a positive message to his young fans. The inspiring speeches, they stop. Because you see, all of a sudden they are not "cool" to say anymore. That humble, helpful person, he doesn't fit in with the new hardcore crowd he has to impress, the crowd that talks about what is between a five year old's legs and who light their pubes on fire on stage. That guy who had a positive message, he's uncool now. He has to go, and he's replaced with an onstage diva covered in hickies, with his hand down his pants half the time, having an uncharacteristic fit of anger here, throwing his puke into the audience there etc. Being a badass, fitting in with the rest of the badasses.

Does Gerard ever make any decisions based on what he feels? Of does he just make decisions based on what the people he's trying to impress feel?

It's sad to see people be led around like that, very lost and desperate. What's sadder is having nothing inside, being so empty that you fill your heart with what other people want. You live your life according to what other people think you should be doing at a certain time. This is weird because he also always talks so much about finding yourself, being your own person etc. As if he knows that he's not actually doing those things.

Yet even though he's so easily led by people he's currently into, he's probably stubborn to the last if people who have known him for years try to call him out on it once the decision has been made for him. I know a lot of people like this. They'll base their decisions on whoever means the most to them at the time (whoever they want to impress) and then everyone else takes a backseat. Everyone else's opinions stop mattering to them. People they used to value, they now think are out to get them or out to destroy the life they're trying to build up with their new fascination. They say things like "Why does it bother you that I'm happy?" and "Can't you let me live my life?" when they're really living someone else's. The people who have always been there for them, all of a sudden they are the bad guys. And the more those caring people push them, the more stubborn they get. They will stay in a relationship, a location, a job, a situation or what have you, even after they are sick of it and want out, JUST to prove a point. Just to prove that they were not wrong, to prove that they are living their own lives.

There was another successful rock star who was easily led and then stubbornly pushed people away until the ugly end, too. Someone who was a sponge for other people, someone who spoke of having empathy to a fault, so much so that it was maybe all he had. Do I need to name who it was?

Neither love nor hate, just poison

Basically everyone is going to see something different going on with Gerard Way. The difference shows is when you can tell people are seeing what they want to see. Do I want to see Gerard Way fail? No. He's a human being, I don't want to see any human being fail. I'm seeing it anyway though. It's when you can see past what you'd like to see that you get closer to the truth. We know what we know. And there are a few of us who don't need pictures to prove anything.

Even if I hadn't heard the things I've heard though, from people who know Gerard and are concerned over him, I understand more than I want to understand about addicts and their behavior. I lived with one for a loooong time. I know the signs and I can recognize them from thousands of miles away.

People are saying I am so angry because I either love Gerard or hate him. The truth is neither. I used to respect him, that's all. I thought what he was doing for young people was awesome and very much needed. Now he is going against that and I can see how it's going to hurt not only him, but it's going to crush what was a great band and it's going to frustrate (and worse!) a lot of the kids who look up to him. Gerard always said, MCR is more than a band, they are there to save your life. You can't "save the lives" of a bunch of teenagers and then walk away from them because you're trying to impress a new crowd. Once you take on that mantle of responsibility, sorry charlie, it's yours for good.

So these sad little teenie commenters on my blog are trying to set up a web page for people who "aren't real fans" as if that's going to make a bit of difference in anyone's lives but their own. I'll be glad to be on it, because even though I loved what MCR used to be, I would not even associate myself as a "fan" of them with the way things currently are. Either way Gerard will laugh at it like he's laughing at all of this. That's what you do when you're in that much denial over your own life, you laugh off other people's concern as well as their scorn.

These teenie fans are accused of being "brutal" to me on my blog. Yes, it's true, they are saying lots of personal stuff and being unreasonable and pulling their hair out in frustration and anger etc. But I get that it's just because I'm brutal. And I'm brutal because the truth is poison. Poison, but still very much the truth.

Not accusing, just wondering.

What's going on at those signings? Not hearing a lot, just seeing some videos of Gerard and the bassist from that band looking very smug as they leave together.

But some people are innocently and unknowingly observing things. Anyone who has ever known a coke addict (or has been one) just felt that familiar tightening in their chest.

The text for anyone who doesn't want to click. it was weird...he took a bathroom break before he signed my comic

when he came back though he was all excited and extremely nice...

I'll bet.

Frank, huh?

Today I was contacted by two different people who want to take that post I wrote down there comparing the stuff that G. has spoken out against with MSI's lyrics and send it to the band. I told them it was OK to do that since I wasn't the one writing and saying those things, I was just quoting them. To clear it up for everyone, you can quote that anywhere you want because it's not mine! THose aren't things I said or wrote for the most part, they are all stuff that Gerard himself has said and that the band MSI wrote.

One of those people said that they had made an account on MySpace and was going to use it to send a message to the MCR MySpace. That's OK too but I doubt they are going to read it.

One other person said that they were going to "appeal to Frank" was the words they used because Frank seems to be the only one still listening to people. They said that even though Gerard was the spokesperson for the band he would probably ignore it.

I agree that Gerard wouldn't care at this point, but I also wonder if there's anything Frank can or will do about it either. I doubt at this point there's anything they CAN do. The decision has been made to take MSI's "message" and songs about child porn and bitches etc, and expose MCR's very young fanbase to it via their live shows. The deal is made as they say in Hollywood.

I also highly doubt that the band will get any messages sent their way anymore, but you never know. One thing I'm pretty sure on though is that even if they get it, they won't care.

Here's something I want to ask you all. Does anyone know who "Tenshi" is. I have a feeling "Tenshi" is someone who actually does know Gerard or knows something about him. "Tenshi" I am calling you out. Who are you?

My Chemical Romance is dead.

Gerard: "If you don't go to school, you will definitely go to jail."

MSI:
Kill your school books and rules
You're no fool teach us stupid
Ring the bell, ditch this hell
You're too Cool
Too cool for this school


Gerard: Unlike a good part of the artists, I think we have a very big responsibility, when it comes to the kids who listen to our music. Usually, people like to take refuge and say that all the responsibility, when it comes to raising kids, is up to the parents: honestly! When I was a kid, I didn’t listen to my father! The words that meant something to me were the ones from Billy Corgan and Glen Danzig!

MSI:
it was you with another contact my daddy
with the motherfuck you
daddy daddy
lemme give you the reason to fuck me up nigga


Gerard: Hey, girls, you're beautiful. Don't look at those stupid magazines with sticklike models. Eat healthy and exercise. That's all. Don't let anyone tell you you're not good enough. You're good enough, you are too good. Love your family with all your heart and listen to it. You are gorgeous, whether you're a size 4 or 14. It doesn't matter what you look like on the outside, as long as you're a good person, as long as you respect others. I know it's been told hundreds of times before, but it's true. Hey, girls, you are beautiful.


MSI:
5 Year Old Pantyshot
I Can See Between Her Legs
5 Year Old Pantyshot

5 Year Old Mother Fuckin Pantyshot Cant Complain
I Didnt Even Touch Her So I Cant Be Blamed
5 Year Old
Pantyshot In My Brain
My Life Has Meaning When She Spreads Her Legs

Gerard: I won't mention any names, but for a period of about ten years it was like a bunch of neanderthals had the mic."

MSI:
bitches love me cause they know that I can rock
bitches love me cause they know that I can rhyme
bitches love me cause they know that I can fuck
bitches love me cause they know that I'm on time

Gerard: I'm very opposed to intolerance, racism and sexism. Men are still being called "faggot." I see women being treated as second-class citizens, even in punk rock.

MSI:
Back off you little shits
Gnawing at my fists
I see they breed you by the boatload

Back off you little whores
Get 'em on all fours

Gerard: We are very much anti-sexism, anti-racism, anti-homophobia, and there has been some of that stuff we’re against on Warped in the past. We were hoping in gaining power by being on Warped this year--that we could maybe, in some way, change that a little bit. [We want to talk to] the kind of band that wouldn’t want to be around a band like ours.

MSI:
Hey baby girl wanna fuck?
Poppin' out my coochie for a buck
Electrical sockets are a must
I gotta have my pops with the...

Gerard: Hey listen up! All you racists, sexists, homophobes, and just plain assholes, we've got a message for you...GO THE FUCK HOME! We don't want you here, don't buy our merch, and don’t listen to our music. If you have our CD, break it. We don't want you and we don't need you here.

MSI:
Nigga for all the stolen goods
As I rock that niggas and get freaky-deaky
With a front row ticket for all of my bitches
'Cause my mamma said to pick the very best one

Two hookers and an eight ball

Sometimes the world can be a really ugly place, right? It's not always really pretty, it's ugly, people's feelings get hurt. Sometimes it's terrible, but it's also a really beautiful place, and we all share it together. If you ever feel depressed or hurt in any way, or you find yourself feeling very desperate, you find somebody that you trust, that you can talk to-- be it a teacher, a parent, a best friend, a therapist at school. There's lots of free programs, you guys can find somebody to talk to... but the main thing is no matter what, no matter what happens to you, no matter how desperate you feel, you never resort to violence.

MSI:
Boo fuckin hoo you're not the only one whose live's a piece of shit
And yet miraculously somehow we all seem to deal with it
Did anybody think that you would really seriously slit your wrists
In fact I think that everybody thinks you're seriously full of shit

Gerard: I really hate physical violence.

MSI:
Beat me up
Beat me down
Mess me up
Beyond all recognition

For what it's worth
I'd do it again
With no consequence
I will do it again

Hard up, so hunt me down, down, down
Jump the gun bust a cap hit the ground

If MCR was a message, then MCR is dead. I'm not talking about the marriage. It's pretty well known that Gerard is a desperate, dependent person who would have married Leona Helmsley if she'd been within a few feet of him when he decided he was too scared to end the tour and go home without a significant other to occupy his time. No, this is about the tour, taking this band on tour with them because of this.

All other speculation aside about the drinking and the cocaine (and the fact that people have seen at least Jimmy Urine buying coke off fans at concerts recently, or that's what people are saying anyway... yes, how is that going to affect this tour again?) all of that aside, this is just about the message, the things that MCR always stood for. And with them basically denying all of that now in their choice of an opening act, then it looks to me like MCR is dead.

A true story about rock stars who got married

Once there was a boy growing up in a dingy little town. He was depressive, shy, artistic, reclusive. An introvert. He took pills to battle depression. He drank. He self-medicated. He was just a kid. He was cute but dirty, didn't like to shower, just liked to sing and smoke and write poetry and play music and draw art. Then one day he started a band and became the singer.

The band was rough, punky, loud at first, hardcore, crunchy and driven. Their lyrics were just plain weird.

The band grew in popularity really rapidly, so rapidly that the band members often felt overwhelmed by their sudden fame. People started to recognize them and make more demands on them. They went from being a bunch of potheads riding around in a van to being a huge arena act. They quickly became one of the biggest acts in the country, won awards, travelled all over.

The band continued to rise in popularity and the singer became more depressed. Took more pills. Drank more. Scared his bandmates once in a while with his desperation.

The band also had a message. They were against homophobia so strongly that a lot of people thought the singer was gay. He made out with his bandmates for shock value. He spoke out strongly against voilence, said it made him physically ill. He was a devout feminist. He spoke out loud and clear about the horrible way women were treated. He spoke out about how difficult it was for women in bands to be taken seriously. He spoke out against sexism in music. He went so far as to tell any "fan" of the bands that if they were sexist, racist or homophobic, to get rid of all the merch they had bought of the band, because he didn't want those kinds of people listening to him.

The singer also had a long-term girlfriend who was with him from before the band started. No one ever really knew much about her at the time. She stayed out of the limelight. But when the band got really big, they broke up, amongst whispered rumors of her "not being supportive enough" and not being there enough for him. Because he was emotionally dependent on others. This was becoming clear. The singer had a lot of fear in him. More and more he talked about it in his songs, his fear.

The singer also decided to get clean, to try to be well. To learn to stand up without any crutches. For a while he seemed to be doing well, the next album the band released was a departure from their old, punkier stuff. It was more produced, cleaner, lyrically crazier. They did a really cool video that started with a shot of a dying man in a hospital bed surrounded by a wall of sheets while the band played on the screen.

The singer briefly dated someone else, it didn't last too long.

Around the time that the guy's band was getting popular, there was also a girl in a band. Hers was a band of both men and women. They were struggling, just starting to get good gigs. They were different from the guy's band and had a different message. More violent. Louder, more hardcore. The girl, she dressed in children's clothes, like a schoolgirl. Ripped up stockings and dresses. She threw herself into the crowd during concerts, acted crazy. There were rumors about this band being into drugs, lots of rumors. Rumors specifically about her drug habits.

When the guy and the girl met and suddenly were involved in this whirlwind romance, each of the band's fans were shocked. Rumors flew from both sides. That she was too hardcore for him, he was too sensitive for her. Her fans hated his band for being poppy sellouts. Some of his fans tried to accept her, because he had made it clear that he was in love. Also with him being a femimist, he supported her band that had women in it.

But the rumors wouldn't quit. As happy as he said he was, he seemed a little too manic sometimes, depressed other times. She seemed to be in her element. Her band was getting loads of attention now. When anyone made a reference to her "past" drug use or to their relationship, the guy would get defensive. He was an adult. Thanks, but he could take care of himself now. He knew what he was doing.

His bandmates was strangely quiet throughout this crazy romance and surprising marriage. Their lives were alreayd stable, they were in relationships of their own. That's how it goes when people grow up, you change what you care about. After that last big record and tour, his band took a well-deserved break. He needed time to settle into his new life. Her band's popularity grew... of course it did. People were interested.

It was quiet for a while. Most people assumed everything was fine. A few observant people knew that it wasn't. Any fans who dared to suggest that things might not be going to well, they were shot down by the optimists who accused them of being "jealous" or "haters". When concerned people pointed to the signs the others said, "none of that means anything!"

But the truth was that it wasn't all going well.

I was there the first time this happened.

The truth

You know, the truth is, I worry. I don't know just why, but it beats the hell out of self-involvement, right? In a way. Or maybe it IS self-involvement.

I took my name from two things, one being a sort of Harry Potter geek and wanting to use "verita" because I feel like telling the truth, MY truth, (insofar as opinion and speculation with a sprinkle of just being, well, around... can ever be truth) and venom because the truth can be poisonous.

I used to be a different name amidst all of this and anyone who assumed that I somehow knew things assumed correctly.


And, TRUE MAN:


Yeah. So. Midnight.