"ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community..."

This is something that someone linked to me out of interest in feminism and it sounded alot like it could be related to Gerard and how he has behaved on stage towards women. Synecdochic on Livejournal has written something that everyone with an interest in feminism should read. Even if you don't agree with it, it's a good read and an eye opener. She calls it "Don't be That Guy", and even without realizing it she explains the frustration that some of us have with Gerard over his recent treatment of the young girls and women in his audience. THE PERSON WHO WROTE THIS ENTRY IS NOT GIVING HER VIEWS ON MCR OR GERARD AT ALL. SHE PROBABLY DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT IT. I just got a link to the entry and thought it sounded like a message that needed to get out about how certain men who THINK they are treating women well when they are actually treating them like objects, acting like creeps and then just dismissing their concerns. It made me think of Gerard and what he owes to the fans who felt humiliated over his "moan for me" to the little girls and women in his audience. If I could say anything to Gerard, I would say a lot of things, but this would be at the top of the list.

I'm going to quote some of it because these are things that I wish Gerard understood about how some of us feel about his "moan for me" bit. And why explanations and excuses would not be enough.

Women -- in person and on the internet -- hear, day in and day out, implicitly and explicitly, that their experiences don't count. That they need a man to come along and Explain Things. (...)

If you are ever, ever in a conversation about anything relating to gender expression, sexism, male/female relations, etc, and you catch yourself thinking, "She doesn't understand, and I need to explain this to her," stop. Walk away from the discussion (if it's online) or shut your mouth (if it's in person), and ask yourself: is it really that "she doesn't understand"? Or is it that she's coming from a place so different than yours that you feel like she doesn't understand your position? Do you think she doesn't understand your position because she doesn't agree with your position?

In the case of clear-cut facts, there is an objective truth: you can reasonably expect to find the "right" answer. When it comes to personal perception of the world around you, there is no right answer. There's my right answer, and there's your right answer. Resist the urge to explain to women how "the world works". No, really. Women know how their world works. For us, it works kinda shitty at times, thanks.

And again, if you see another guy trying to explain to a woman that she's "wrong" because "that's not how the world works", pull him aside and say "dude, that's coming across as skeevy and patronizing. Here's why. Listen to what she's saying, okay? It's true for her, and she doesn't need you telling her how things 'really' are."

You hear that? We have the implicit right to be upset over it, and just because you don't agree that your behavior is upsetting does not mean that it is not. Gerard singled women out for that, he said, "just the ladies," those were his exact words. Well some of us "ladies" have feelings on those things and just because he has a different view does not make us wrong.

This relates even more to Gerard's behavior towards the women in his audience...

Having gotten this far, it's time to reiterate: You are going to fuck things up.

You are not bad or evil or wrong for fucking things up. You really aren't. The fail happens if you, when called on your fuckup, fail to recognize that your experience of the world is not the only experience -- if you say "that's not possible", or "but my (wife/girlfriend/best friend/sister/etc) doesn't think like that", or "but my (wife/girlfriend/etc) hasn't ever experienced that, so it must not exist". The fail happens when you take what people are saying to you and start coming up with arguments to counter and invalidate those experiences.

Everyone gets defensive. Everyone. But if you've said or done something to call down the dogpile, please stomp on the initial impulse to come out swinging, no matter how in-the-right you think you are -- because a basic fact of possessing privilege is that you have to be really careful to avoid anything that looks like you're trying to silence the people without that privilege. And just about any defense at this point is going to come across like you're trying to use your privilege to silence people.

It's okay to fuck up. I tell you three times. It's going to be a painful process for you, because you are probably going to get your skin torn off in the immediate reaction, but if you shut up, listen, and actually process and engage with the truth being conveyed by that dogpile, you will be able to ameliorate the damage caused your fuckup -- or at least not make it worse.

There are things you don't know. There are things you can never know. You can be told about them, and you can, as you start to open your eyes and observe and listen, start to see and hear them, but you can never experience them firsthand. It's okay if you don't immediately understand the true reality of women's experiences and perceptions about sexism, sexual assault, fear, history of being silenced, etc, etc. You're not going to viscerally get it when it's explained to you. You can start to understand, but it will never be your world the way it is for a woman. (Hell, it's not the same world for every woman, and that's an important point to remember too.)

You will learn to be able to see that truth, and you will learn to recognize it when it is spoken to you (even if it's whispered), and you will learn, slowly, that this is someone else's truth even if it isn't your own. But it's not going to happen overnight. When you fuck up, and accidentally behave in a way that invalidates or dismisses the perspective and experience and worldview of the women around you, apologize.

And then stop and listen to what is being said to you, and imagine, as hard as you can, that the world being described to you is your world, and work from there. Even if it's not your world. Even if it's not the world and the experiences of your wife/girlfriend/best friend/sister/etc. Don't be the guy who says "this can't be true, I would have noticed", because people are telling you -- loudly -- that it is true. Work from the perspective of: this is not my experience, but it clearly is her experience, and her experience is just as valid for her as mine is for me. Too many times, women speak up to try to educate men, and men say "you must have misunderstood" or "you must be imagining things" or "that's not possible". She didn't misunderstand. She's not imagining things. It is possible. You just don't see it, because you have the privilege of ignoring it if you want to. Failing to recognize it makes you That Guy.

That really says a lot.

Now also recently Lyn Z gave an interview. She touches on "feminism" in the first part and gives her own views on it. (This could explain why Gerard changed his views on women, since he seems to have no mind of his own and only does the same thing as whoever he is with). She admits that she is a "shit bass player" in her own words. She says she is "horrible" and "OK with that". Those are her words, not mine. Then she says "but do a backbend while you're playing the bass, I dare you". What does that have to do with music and musicianship? Well nothing. Because in part two which I linked up there, she says that real musicians bore her. She says that doing something is better than being GOOD at doing something. (That's strange because over the summer I remember Gerard giving an interview and saying that it didn't matter what you did, as long as you tried to be the best at it).

Apparently really skilled musicians "bore her to tears", again her words and not mine. What does that mean she's saying about MCR? Gerard says that MSI supported MCR from the beginning when they were a "baby band", so is she saying that they are not skilled musicians, or that they bore her to tears? Either way it doesn't sound like support. I guess Ray Toro is just "noodling around" on his guitar.

This is Brigitte, the same interviewer who had Gerard by the short hairs in her interview with him and now she is kissing Lyn-Z's ass and saying straight out that if you are not a good musician and you're in a band, it doesn't really matter. She used to be a good interviewer but now she is kissing ass, why? Is it because she knows if she gets Mrs. Way angry that Gerard will never give her another interview? That could be.

There is one other thing I want to say here. A lot of people have accused me of hating the band and having something personal against them. Thisis not true. I don't follow MCR anymore, not since Gerard for all intents and purposes killed MCR for me. But I get a lot of messages every week from buzznet people asking me to address this or that. A lot of fans feel like they don't have a voice. Or even worse they are afraid to say it in public, especially on BuzzNet where they will be bullied for their concerns and opinions. I have no problem with people bullying me and calling me names so my blog is the voice of the disappointed fans. Whatever you read on my blog is all stuff that people have sent to me and asked me to write about. In the beginning three people were contributing to writing this. Then it was just me. Now it's hardly me at all. Now it is just the massive amounts of messages I get. so pretty much these aren't even my words, but the words of others that need a place to vent and to be heard. That's what this blog is, it's the voice of the disappointed fans.